One of the hardest things about breaking off a relationship with someone you had hoped might like you (alot and forever) is that it brings back some of the pain associated with other relationship disappointments you've had to overcome. That's normal and okay. Go easy on yourself. Sit with the pain and let it pass! Late last year, unfairly finding myself in that situation, I stumbled on a few past 'Notes to Self' that helped me understand the size of it.....
At 35 years of age, four months after mum died of breast cancer, I wrote the following....
Tonight I've shed tears....a lot of tears....I am missing mum. I seem to be missing a family too. My family. The husband and kids that I thought I would have by now. The milestones I thought I would have arrived at in my late 20's and early 30's.
By now, I thought 'I' would be 'we' and 'we' would have a home to share with the world......a child or two..... a garden, a neighborhood, a kindergarten, a primary school that would surround our lives and dictate most of our daily activities....
I imagined......waking up to the pitter patter of little feet in the hallway.......... I imagined blowing bubbles in the bath.....making faces and laughing over the change table....putting bandaids on scratches that didn't need bandaids...putting silly bows in the hair....those sorts of 'ordinary' delightful things.
I remember often finding my mother in the kitchen late into the night sewing and cooking for our 'special occasions'. I can still 'see' the 50 lovingly molded clowns she made sitting on a tray on top of our television and then placed on little fairy cakes for my four year old birthday party at kinder! They were an exquisite thrill and created a memory for me that will last a lifetime! It represents the life I had been hoping for and was capable of....
The notes included a copy of the prayer I prayed that night....I prayed that I would see how I could give away something of myself.....in a small way and just bring a little bit of comfort and light to someone or something in this world. I prayed that I would be able to spread the joy and love my mother knew so well to those about me...I asked for Inspiration, for Love, for Joy, for a son, a daughter, for a life that we may give.....and ease each other's pain (it was the 24th August, 1999). I had forgotten about this prayer until today. It stands almost alone as there are not many prayers in my life that remain unanswered. But quite a few years have passed now....so I am wondering if perhaps it's time for me to take it back (just in case God catches up with the back-log!!)?
Life is full of beginnings and endings, endings and beginnings!
